WHEN IS THE VICTIM THE VILLAIN?

Welcome to another discussion. A look into humanity from a biblical perspective. I am not a psychologist and I don't play one on TV. However, from a ministerial standpoint, these things have become evident. Now that the disclaimer has been given, grab a cup of coffee, tea, or your favorite beverage, and let's dive into this topic.

For those who have seen the preview on Facebook, this paragraph is a recap. If you don't feel that you want or need a recap, then please skip to the next paragraph. For everyone else, here it is:

Sometimes, the person that claims and seems to be the victim is actually the villain. There is a saying (not sure how true it is but it works for this analogy) you can only kick a dog so many times before it bites you, runs away, or dies. Some of us are the dog that is being kicked. Some of us are the person doing the kicking. When the dog bites, the person says "That dog bit me for no reason!" or "I don't know why the dog bit me, I have been kicking it less than I used to". If the dog runs away, the person says "After all the stuff I have put up with. I have fed it, cleaned it, and put up with it's barking and took it for a walk. And this is how it repays me?" If the dog keeps coming back until it is finally kicked to death, the person says "I did the best I could to take care of that dog. We had some great times together. I will miss it." And please dog lovers and experts, don't over-analyze the accuracy of the dog's reaction. This analogy works to get the point across. So no "Adam Ruins Everything" business.

Of course, everyone that reads this may not fit into either category. However, I know that there are some that do. If you are the dog in this analogy, you are eager for the empathy and possible solution that this discussion may provide. If you are the person in this analogy, you may be in denial and thinking that you don't fit into either category. Or even attempting to justify some of the actions that you take.

In our society of social media and selfies, we have become more self-centered as a people. Some more or less than others and some cultures more or less than others. Many tend to look at a relationship as a means to get what we want. In other words, there a some that base the strength of relationships on how well the partner caters to their whims. Some of these people are even well-meaning. But subconsciously, they are manipulating the relationships for their own desired outcome. As you read this blog, I challenge you to look deep inside of yourself. Examine yourself and see what's there. As you may think of people that you know and say "yep, this sounds like them.", stop for a moment and really examine your actions as well. There are times when all parties in the relationship are guilty.

While there are many facets to this topic, we are going to focus on the analogy given of the dog and the person kicking the dog. Sometimes the dog that is being kicked becomes the person that is doing the kicking. Because, as the saying goes, "hurt people, hurt people". In other words, people who have been hurt, tend to hurt others. This often comes from a self-centered perspective. While it is natural to think that our lives, livelihood, and values are the most important things in life, it is not biblical.

1 Therefore if there is any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and mercy, 2 fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. 3 Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. 4 Let each of you look out not only for his own interests but also for the interests of others.

Philiippians 2:1-4.

It is not to say that our lives are unimportant, but it is to say that our lives are not the most important.

These behaviors lead to what are called toxic relationships. Men, while being viewed as brutes that don't have emotions are often victims of toxic relationships. It is also seen with women. However, because of societal expectations, men don't often seek help or counsel for these matters. The toxic relationship begins with one party seeking to manipulate the others based on their own ideals. They often try to make others over in their own image. They use criticism, and guilt trips to try and control the other person. When their actions are pointed out, they are quick to defend themselves and even justify their actions. They claim to be the victims more often than not. Their wrongs go unnoticed by them and the wrongs of others are magnified. The type of person that will throw a rock and hit you, then criticize you for saying "ouch!". And if you retaliate, they crown you the aggressor. They put unfair expectations on imperfect people. If you fail to meet their expectations (act exactly how they feel you should) then you are not a good person (father, mother, son, daughter, wife, husband, .etc). Though they may not realize it or admit it, they want to make the other person their puppet. They seem to have the attitude: "If only everyone would just see things the way I do. Then the world would be a better place". Not seeing themselves as being in need of correction or guidance.

If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.

1 John 1:8

The only reason the toxic person will acknowledge the other's feelings or concerns is either to criticize or as a means to achieve their whims.

Have you seen yourself or someone else yet? Double-check

How does this affect the other person (the dog being kicked)? These people are often made to feel awful about being in their own skin. They walk around the toxic person as if they are walking on eggshells. They suppress their feelings and find themselves stuck on the hamster wheel of trying to please the toxic person to gain approval. Unfortunately, when you keep feeding this toxic personality, it only grows in strength. There will always be something else that you have done wrong. And because we are imperfect human beings, fault can always be found in us if one would just look hard enough. So the other person becomes a slave to the toxic person or at the very least a shell of their former selves. They feel trapped, insignificant, unloved, unworthy of love, useless. These are signs of severe mental/emotional abuse. These scars run deep and are often not addressed because they are not seen with the eye. In men, sometimes they react to this type of abuse by womanizing to make themselves feel significant (feel like a man). Also physical abuse or even retaliating with mental/emotional abuse themselves in order to assert their "manliness" Women also do similar things when they are being abused. This is the behavior of the "dog" biting the person kicking them. This is one of the ways that hurt people hurt people. This is one of the most volatile circumstances in a toxic relationship because it breeds more toxicity. Revenge may seem satisfying at first, but it only makes matters worse and can lead to death.

A victim of toxic abuse can also behave as the dog dying. They lose themselves and their identity and cope with their stress by turning to alcoholism, drugs, or even gambling and other addictions. This person trades one master for another. Even if they make it out of the toxic relationship, they have become a slave to their addiction. They can also go into their "shells" of depression which can lead to suicide in extreme cases.

Another way that the victim can deal with this is to behave as the dog that has run away. Sadly, this one from what I have seen is not the most common avenue of approach due to societal expectations. People don't view emotional/mental abuse as they do physical abuse. Even though, mental/emotional abuse is stronger than physical abuse. Bruises heal, bones mend, but when the mind is not treated, the damage remains sometimes even for a lifetime.

Are you the dog or the person kicking the dog? There is hope for either person. God loves even the toxic person and they can be redeemed. They can be saved. There is no excuse for wrongdoing be it the victim or the aggressor. However, there is a way to be saved from this cycle. This is first done through humility and if you don't know Christ, seek Him. There, we can find peace and understanding. Our hearts can be broken and we can see the pain that we have caused. Then we can be freed of the toxin as we continue the walk with Christ and continue to seek His ways.

Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you fail to meet the test!

2 Corinthians 13:5

For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.

James 1:23-25

When we can first, identify the issue, we can then act with knowledge. Everyone has worth because Jesus died for everyone. NO MATTER the sins that you have committed or mistakes that you have done in the eyes of others, you are worth redemption. It begins with an understanding of the Word and applying that to our lives. As we know better, we do better.

I hope you have enjoyed this topic. If you have any questions about anything covered here or you would like to hear more on this topic, you can comment. Also, you can make requests or ask questions on our forums page. God bless you and keep you and above all things, Let God be exalted.

Take a Long Hard Look

There are some if not many of you that know of a person that always has the best answers. They are always the smartest person in the room. You don't say anything because "their not bothering me". This person can point out other people's faults on half information, but can't admit it when they know they're wrong. And they definitely won't see anything right with a person or people when they are against them. Looking from the outside, you see how that's wrong. You ignore it because " it doesn't really effect me". If someone they don't like steals food, they are a thief. If someone they do like, or even if they themselves steal food, it's okay because they were just hungry. From the outside, you see the double standard. However "it has nothing to do with me" so you just keep it moving. They view most everything through the lenses of their feelings and very little using facts, logic, or reason. Because of this, they can be easily manipulated, quick to fly off the handle. Quick to strike, quick to judge. And quick to cry foul when it's done to them. The best point of view is theirs and anyone else that agrees with them. You don't think it's right, but "they have to do them" so, whatever. If they don't like pistachio ice cream and another person does, then the other person is against them because they don't agree. If they like to was grey clothes with whites and another person likes to wash greys with darks, the other person is stupid because they don't know how to wash clothes. They think that everyone should think like them. Every culture in the world is lesser than theirs. They criticize but can't take criticism. They can't admit fault because they don't want to look bad. They can go along to get along. Most of us can identify a few if not all of these things in that person. It is time to stop ignoring this behavior just like I did. It's time to face this person and be honest with them. If they deny these actions, go back and regroup. Take a deep breath and go back in front of that mirror and tell them again. DON'T TAKE YOURSELF TOO SERIOUSLY.

THE SOUL NINJA CHAPTER 2

As a recap, we covered some of the Pride tribe of the Soul Ninja in our last discussion. We concluded that there were ways of determining if one were under the influence of the toxins of their weapons and how to administer the antidote. Please refer to the "Introduction to Soul Ninja" blog located on this site.

This is a brief discussion on the very close-knit tribe of Envy. Like the Pride tribes weaponry, the Envy tribe also uses its own brand of toxins. These toxins can lead to physical death and destruction if left untreated. Let's look at the symptoms and methods of the clans of this tribe. The tribe itself is very close-knit as stated before, so one could confuse the symptoms of the toxins with another clan of the same tribe.

The Main Tribe: Envy

The envy "Sinja" normally likes to prey on and individual that sees something that he/she didn't want until they saw someone else with it. The toxin will make its victim feel entitled to a thing be it tangible or intangible that they don't rightly posses. Not only that, but the victim will believe that they deserve whatever it is more than the owner. So they, instead of taking the role of a student ("Hey, nice car. How much was it? Can you teach me how to get one of my own" or "wow, you are a very successful saleswoman, can you teach me how to be one too"). They seek to degrade ("If I had the car that Pastor "----" has, I would be more successful than he. That should be my car, not his." "If I had the same opportunity that she had, I would be twice as successful than she. That should be my opportunity, not hers."). The toxin then leads to resentment of the other person. This even occurs when there is not a real acquaintance. The toxin can be very deadly when the actual owner of the envied object is an acquaintance. In many cases, it leads to unhealthy competition. When in the home, it can lead to overspending to keep up. It can also lead to neglect in the home due to the victim's focus being misguided. In the church, this can lead to an attack of pride along with the envy clan to produce idolatry "You see, my church is bigger than yours. I have a better title. I am a bishop and I get more money than you. I have better spiritual gifts. I am a better pastor/leader". It can also cause divisions in the church or ministry. It can cause one to lose sight of the fellowship of the saints as well as neglect of those in need. This could lead to the victim sabotaging the other person. Also to backbiting, gossip, bitterness, malice, and in extreme cases, downright hatred. This toxin can lead to physical harm or even murder. This example is seen in the book of Genesis 4. When Cain was envious of his brother because he was respected while Cain wasn't. Of course, this leads to the murder of Abel. Some may be reading this and confusing these symptoms with the toxins from the next clan, who's venom is very close.

The Clan of Jealousy

Often confused with the same toxin of the tribal leader, this clan's venom is normally administered when there are more people involved. Often times, this venom is mixed with the envy venom. As the envy normally attacks those that want what others have. Jealousy normally attacks those who want to keep people to themselves. When the venom sets in, it gets stronger with insecurity and mistrust. It causes possessiveness in it's advanced stages and even causes the victim to treat the object of their jealousy as if they are property and not people. This attack often comes when the jealousy clan sneaks in behind protectiveness. When a husband sees another man trying to mishandle his wife, he can and should be protective. However, when attacked by jealousy, he also becomes possessive and can take it out on the wife. This can lead to abuse both mental and physical. Of course, this kind of attack can be brought on by experiencing betrayal from a loved one or especially a spouse. This causes mistrust and festers into extreme jealousy. Victims of this toxin have a hard road to recovery. It is often quite painful. This can also happen between siblings with parents. More so with parents and grandparents. In truth, the only one that has the right to be physically and spiritually jealous is the Lord. We were made for Him and we are his property and no other god has a right. This is why God is a jealous God. Our next clan is also mistaken for the other two or the name is used interchangeably, however, it is different.

The Clan of Covetousness

Born of the envy tribe just as the jealousy clan, this one can be the most malicious. The attacks come normally once the envy venom is set in. Then the "Sinja" from this clan seizes the opportunity to prey on the weakened victim. This victim then not only wants what is not theirs but they also attempt to take it dishonestly. This victim tends to think that they not only deserve it but have the right to take it for themselves. They have no regard for the person that they are hurting even to the point of death. They are only working to satisfy their own lusts for power, affection, riches.

In this example, I will try to describe how this tribe works together.

Remember the story of David and Bathsheba found in 2 Samuel 11.

When David saw Bathsheba bathing, he lusted after her. When he asked who she was, and he found that she was Uriah's wife, he had ENVY for Uriah for having something that he didn't know he wanted until he saw her. When she was clean from her menstrual cycle, he called for her and COVETED her because he wanted what Uriah had. Now in the story, Uriah didn't know what had been done because he wouldn't fall for the trickery of going home. However, if Uriah would've found out what happened with his wife, we would have been JEALOUS because that was his wife and not David's. See here how these all work together so closely and often they do the same today.

This tribe's power mainly comes from ungrateful hearts and minds. We are often guilty of counting the lack instead of rejoicing in what we have. When we count the lack, we end up comparing it to what others have. If we are not careful, these sinja will strike. We must take a note from the apostle Paul as he wrote in Philippians 4:11-13

11 Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content:

12 I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.

13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

There is nothing wrong with trying to better oneself and learning from one that is better than they. Or one that they aspire to be like. However, this must not be our main focus. Our focus should be on Christ. What God has for you is for you and what God has for another is for another. Focus on what God has for you and let Him take you to the higher heights and deeper depths. It is He that knows the path for you to become the best version of yourself. Remember, we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.

Stay tuned next week as we discuss the next tribe of Soul Ninja in Chapter 3

Above All Things, Let God be exalted!!